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http://www.cardplayer.com/poker-news/blogs/article/5023
prob one of the greatest blog posts ive ever read. really makes you think about life in general. take time to read it as its well worth it. ive pasted it below incase the link does not work for some
Several months ago I wrote a blog post titled "Why I Play Poker"
(pretty self explanatory). There are many reasons one can choose to
play ranging from competition, spirit, money, joy of winning,
accomplishment, intellectual stimulation, enjoyment, and countless
other reasons. My reasons are a hybrid of the ones above, each one
comprising a small, yet significant part of the pie. I thoroughly
enjoy learning, winning and competing yet recently I have found that I
have not been stimulated by poker. I found many of my recent sessions
to be mundane and I have been forcing myself to play - often resulting
in poor play, negatively stimulated mood, bad mindset and inevitably,
losing. Fortunately I had a big February to compensate for my recent
inadequacy, but that's beside the point. I have recently (starting from
my last trip to Vegas in the beginning of March where I lost the
biggest pot of my life with KK to AA) until today (March 26th) not
played a hand of poker. Since then I have noticed some significant changes in my
daily life which may seem trivial to some, but to a full time poker
player those subtleties can make all the difference. (I should also
note that this is my longest break since I started playing in 2004
when I was just a junior in high school.)
March 1999
The pre poker years. I was just a kid (although some would say I still
am) at 12 years old. Although I vividly remember losing my "lava lamp"
to my good friend Eric because I had ran out of money, gambling was
not yet affecting my life. For those wondering, he still needles me
about the lava lamp and I see it every time I visit his house. I never
win! Anyways, I was full of life - enjoying the likes of basketball,
baseball, boy scouts, friends and causing small trouble around the
neighborhood. I was so easily amused, from things as small as the ice
cream truck to a new toy. "Enjoy being a kid" they would tell me.
"You're going to have to grow up and work someday..."
March 2004
The good ol' days. I can see them as clear as yesterday. I would head
over to a friends after school for a $5 home game and be ecstatic to
come out a $3 winner. I had no idea about pot odds, fold equity, three
betting or any other poker term. I would have probably loathed the
person who talked poker strategy and critiqued the play of others. I played purely for
the fun of the game, and I loved the rush of winning. It was
degeneracy in its infancy. Everything was so new and exciting and
everyday poker would bring a new and unexpected twist that I could
learn from. I chatted with friends at the table, enjoyed the friendly
competition, bickering and the way it stimulated me mentally (similar
to chess which I played frequently throughout high school). More
importantly, I was outgoing, spontaneous, friendly and motivated in my
everyday life. I was a social butterfly if you will and maintained
lots of relationships, including a semi serious girlfriend. I
held an A average, held a lead role in my high school musical,
ran varsity track, was an accomplished Eagle Scout as well as
several other hobbies on the side. I was extremely aware of not only
what was happening in my daily life, but had a concern for wordly affairs too. I
started several political clubs in High School as well as frequently
enjoyed debating and challenging my current beliefs in order to
further my learning. I planned to attend SMU (where I had a
scholarship) and major in Business Marketing. I wanted to run my own
company and do what I enjoyed most - working with people. Now this is
nothing unusual - essentially I was a functioning part of society - a
human being.
March 2009
I lay in bed awake at 4:00 a.m after a marathon session at the Wynn. I
was up roughly $60,000 as the game was about to break. On the last
hand of the night I got KK to Brian Rasts' AA and lost a $250,000 pot
putting me down roughly $75,000 on the day. Most of the time I would
be on "suicide watch" at the extremely ridiculous nature of the
situation (not to mention I got KK to AA in February for an $80,000
pot at Commerce), however that's not what was keeping me awake on this
very night. Ironically Brian and I are good friends, and we went out to grab a drink after the session.
We talked briefly before I went back to Andrews to crash for the night.
It had maybe been an hour since the impact of
the hand and what troubled me was that I wasn't phased at the
fact I just lost a pot equivalent to the amount the average
American makes in seven years. To be honest, I vividly remember more
situations where I was more tilted at losing $100 (although of course
they were several years ago). And it's not like I have millions of
dollars to lose either. This pot was a significant part of my net
worth (although I will say that my daily life is not affected). I hope
this doesn't come across as bragging, because I can assure you that's
not my intent. I was completely numb to the loss - void of all
emotion. Somewhere between 2004 and now, the fun stopped and it became a grind.
Even worse, I was not stimulated by interesting things on a daily basis. I was a
machine and I when I looked in the mirror I reminded myself of
Christian Bale in the marginal movie "Equilibrium." The premise is
that in order to contain human emotion they inject themselves daily
with a tranquilizer which makes them completely neglect all emotion
one can experience. They are essentially a walking computer. It scared
me to think I could fit into this movie and not be distinguished from
the herd. To my credit, I worked extremely hard to get to the point
where I was. I had done my homework if you will. I studied the works
of Nassim Taleb in Fooled by Randomness and learned about mathematics
and probability. I read Tommy Angelo's book and learned to control my
emotions while playing. I read books on relationships, the human mind,
the brain and everything that could possibly affect me while playing
poker. I talked with respected peers like Andrew, Luke, Ben, Alex and
Tom to learn from their mistakes and took bits and pieces from across
the board to perfect my game. It didn't stop there. While playing, I
worked on my breathing to control myself, ate properly to have the
energy needed, worked out regularly and took yoga to improve
concentration and stamina and hired a personal assistant so I can
focus more intently on work. I took things even further. While playing
at the casino, I listened to music to improve concentration and not be
affected by those around me. I didn't involve myself in
conversation, drinking or anything that would take my attention away
from the game. While playing online, I got rid of "avatars on Full
Tilt, used stats to improve my reads, made the backgrounds black to
not be distracted and closed all AIM, cell phone and other
conversations while playing. Essentially, I was a human computer -
processing the necessary information and using it to maxamize profit. I plugged
every leak possible and never settled for anything less than perfect.
I saw an increase in results. I won several tournaments, was killing
the cash games and making a name for myself in the poker world. I was
beginning to get my first taste of success. Of course, there's
nothing wrong with that. I worked hard and one can even say it's admirable.
I'm not disagreeing. Unfortunately, it all
comes at a cost.
It became increasingly difficult to hold a conversation with my peers.
Important things to them seemed so trivial to me. It was hard to
empathize with the typical "I got a $2 raise today at work" or "I
can't believe I got a $18 parking ticket" or "I don't want to eat
there, we just missed happy hour." These things seem inconsequential
when you have 6 figure swings. I was losing my grasp of reality and
most importantly, I lost touch with people. It was becoming harder to
share my feelings with others since I was trained to be an emotionless machine while playing poker.
I was always in a hurry and extremely impatient. I
didn't wait for change when I went out to eat and was often short with
sales people. I would constantly think about my latest downswing and
my primary concern was always recovering monetarily. I didn't pursue
any hobbies (except my triathlon which was during a time I was playing
poker less frequently) and moreover I gave up some that I thoroughly
enjoyed. I stopped singing after four years, stopped snowboarding
after six years and didn't pursue piano which I entirely regret. "But
what about the freedom that poker brings?" Ahhhh - the freedom. It's
ironic actually, for its the freedom that binds us. We are in constant
need of new peaks (which are emotional highs - both monetarily and emotionally)
so much so that it occupies our every thought.
We end up spending all our free time
playing poker so the freedom that we thought we had really limits us.
And I like to think of myself as one of the more "balanced" poker
players who always advocates doing other things besides playing poker.
I like to think that pursuing other activities is one of my biggest
strengths, and I feel like if Andrew and myself are struggling in this
arena, then others must be facing similar problems.
Perhaps the most important concept of all that I've yet to cover is my
overall happiness and how it's affected throughout this process. I
remember reading an excerpt from "Fooled by Randomness" where he
described the effects that winning and losing have on your mentality.
The consensus (and I whole heartedly agree) is that the negative
effects that losing have on your mentality is worse than the positive
affects that winning have. More plainly, you're more unhappy when you lose
than you are happy when you win. He (Nassim Taleb, the author) actually equated a mathematical
formula to this "problem" in which he equated a losing experience to
be 2.5 times as bad as a winning experience is good. Since most
winning poker players only win about 60% of the time, this can be
extremely detrimental to our overall happiness. And isn't that the
most important thing?
Lastly, one of the biggest influences of my life comes is a man by the name of Dennis
Prager (a nationally syndicated radio talk show host) who frequently visits the subject of
happiness in the work arena. He once said, "if you want to see if you'll be happy in 15 years
at your current job, look at those 15 years older than you in your current field." While this seems
so trivial, I rarely take the time to do it. No offense to those still in the industry, but I don't want to
be a middle aged man playing poker while trying to raise a family. The idea doesn't appeal to me in the
slightest. This is another huge reason while I am trying to make the switch and use what I learned in
poker to help me in my new endeavours. I will say that some things I learned are priceless, and I wouldn't
change anything I've done or do it any differently. I've had the most fun I feel any 22 year old can have and I
don't regret a thing.
Now I can see how one may think that this post is an attempt to gain
sympathy for the struggles of a poker player. Please. I have it great.
I am thankful everyday for the luxuries that I have and never try and
(seriously) complain about trivial matters. It's very easy to see the
benefits of playing poker for a living. I am merely trying to touch on
some aspects that are extremely important, yet rarely addressed. Many
of us (especially aspiring poker players) overlook some of the nuances of the game that
cannot be known unless one has a large amount of experience in the
field. I would also say that playing high stakes is somewhat of a
"drug" in that it becomes increasingly harder to play smaller stakes.
This becomes a huge problem since losing is inevitable and moving down
has to happen at some point. I have found this problem to be one of
the biggest throughout my poker career. Also, since I've stopped
playing, I'm at literally 0 risk of going broke (although my spending habits would say otherwise)
but at least it's not from volatility. And for me, that's a good feeling.
So what next? Of course, I can't live forever on doing nothing! I'm not sure. And I'm not saying that I'm quitting
entirely. I'm just going to take a LOT of time off in the future. I'll
still play some events in the WSOP as well as big tournaments in LA
and Vegas. I'll also play the occasional cash games to support my
lifestyle. But I've decided that to be fulfilled I need to do
something more challenging and experience new things. I've come to
understand that in any given field, when learning stops, we become
bored. That's huge and I feel like I've gotten to that point in poker.
Not to say I know everything, but it just doesn't intrigue me like it
used to. I'm not trying to advocate that one cannot be happy and successful while pursuing poker.
I will say though, that it is imperative that we understand and can be comftorable with
the bad as well as the good in order to maintain our sanity. For me, it's becoming increasingly difficult.
I have also come to learn that I cannot be creative and
conjure up new ideas while playing poker. Although this is somewhat of
a nuance, I have to take some time off to let my mind rest and think
of something to do in the future. Until then, I'll keep blogging,
expressing and most importantly - learning.
If anyone has any ideas as to potential hobbies, business ventures or
things they do for fun that I would enjoy please don't hesitate to
email me. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this subject and I'm sure
I'll get a lot regarding this topic due to it's nature. Furthermore, I have a
bet with Ben Sulsky as to who will receive more emails about their blogs - so I'll be
sure to reply and check email regularly. Please send
emails to alectorelli@gmail.com Also check out Andrew Robl's blog
(www.andrewrobl.com) because he posted a similar post regarding this
subject as well. I hope that between the two of us we provide an new
insight to an often repressed subject.
"Love what you do, and you'll never work a day in your life."
Cheers
~ Trah ~
prob one of the greatest blog posts ive ever read. really makes you think about life in general. take time to read it as its well worth it. ive pasted it below incase the link does not work for some
Several months ago I wrote a blog post titled "Why I Play Poker"
(pretty self explanatory). There are many reasons one can choose to
play ranging from competition, spirit, money, joy of winning,
accomplishment, intellectual stimulation, enjoyment, and countless
other reasons. My reasons are a hybrid of the ones above, each one
comprising a small, yet significant part of the pie. I thoroughly
enjoy learning, winning and competing yet recently I have found that I
have not been stimulated by poker. I found many of my recent sessions
to be mundane and I have been forcing myself to play - often resulting
in poor play, negatively stimulated mood, bad mindset and inevitably,
losing. Fortunately I had a big February to compensate for my recent
inadequacy, but that's beside the point. I have recently (starting from
my last trip to Vegas in the beginning of March where I lost the
biggest pot of my life with KK to AA) until today (March 26th) not
played a hand of poker. Since then I have noticed some significant changes in my
daily life which may seem trivial to some, but to a full time poker
player those subtleties can make all the difference. (I should also
note that this is my longest break since I started playing in 2004
when I was just a junior in high school.)
March 1999
The pre poker years. I was just a kid (although some would say I still
am) at 12 years old. Although I vividly remember losing my "lava lamp"
to my good friend Eric because I had ran out of money, gambling was
not yet affecting my life. For those wondering, he still needles me
about the lava lamp and I see it every time I visit his house. I never
win! Anyways, I was full of life - enjoying the likes of basketball,
baseball, boy scouts, friends and causing small trouble around the
neighborhood. I was so easily amused, from things as small as the ice
cream truck to a new toy. "Enjoy being a kid" they would tell me.
"You're going to have to grow up and work someday..."
March 2004
The good ol' days. I can see them as clear as yesterday. I would head
over to a friends after school for a $5 home game and be ecstatic to
come out a $3 winner. I had no idea about pot odds, fold equity, three
betting or any other poker term. I would have probably loathed the
person who talked poker strategy and critiqued the play of others. I played purely for
the fun of the game, and I loved the rush of winning. It was
degeneracy in its infancy. Everything was so new and exciting and
everyday poker would bring a new and unexpected twist that I could
learn from. I chatted with friends at the table, enjoyed the friendly
competition, bickering and the way it stimulated me mentally (similar
to chess which I played frequently throughout high school). More
importantly, I was outgoing, spontaneous, friendly and motivated in my
everyday life. I was a social butterfly if you will and maintained
lots of relationships, including a semi serious girlfriend. I
held an A average, held a lead role in my high school musical,
ran varsity track, was an accomplished Eagle Scout as well as
several other hobbies on the side. I was extremely aware of not only
what was happening in my daily life, but had a concern for wordly affairs too. I
started several political clubs in High School as well as frequently
enjoyed debating and challenging my current beliefs in order to
further my learning. I planned to attend SMU (where I had a
scholarship) and major in Business Marketing. I wanted to run my own
company and do what I enjoyed most - working with people. Now this is
nothing unusual - essentially I was a functioning part of society - a
human being.
March 2009
I lay in bed awake at 4:00 a.m after a marathon session at the Wynn. I
was up roughly $60,000 as the game was about to break. On the last
hand of the night I got KK to Brian Rasts' AA and lost a $250,000 pot
putting me down roughly $75,000 on the day. Most of the time I would
be on "suicide watch" at the extremely ridiculous nature of the
situation (not to mention I got KK to AA in February for an $80,000
pot at Commerce), however that's not what was keeping me awake on this
very night. Ironically Brian and I are good friends, and we went out to grab a drink after the session.
We talked briefly before I went back to Andrews to crash for the night.
It had maybe been an hour since the impact of
the hand and what troubled me was that I wasn't phased at the
fact I just lost a pot equivalent to the amount the average
American makes in seven years. To be honest, I vividly remember more
situations where I was more tilted at losing $100 (although of course
they were several years ago). And it's not like I have millions of
dollars to lose either. This pot was a significant part of my net
worth (although I will say that my daily life is not affected). I hope
this doesn't come across as bragging, because I can assure you that's
not my intent. I was completely numb to the loss - void of all
emotion. Somewhere between 2004 and now, the fun stopped and it became a grind.
Even worse, I was not stimulated by interesting things on a daily basis. I was a
machine and I when I looked in the mirror I reminded myself of
Christian Bale in the marginal movie "Equilibrium." The premise is
that in order to contain human emotion they inject themselves daily
with a tranquilizer which makes them completely neglect all emotion
one can experience. They are essentially a walking computer. It scared
me to think I could fit into this movie and not be distinguished from
the herd. To my credit, I worked extremely hard to get to the point
where I was. I had done my homework if you will. I studied the works
of Nassim Taleb in Fooled by Randomness and learned about mathematics
and probability. I read Tommy Angelo's book and learned to control my
emotions while playing. I read books on relationships, the human mind,
the brain and everything that could possibly affect me while playing
poker. I talked with respected peers like Andrew, Luke, Ben, Alex and
Tom to learn from their mistakes and took bits and pieces from across
the board to perfect my game. It didn't stop there. While playing, I
worked on my breathing to control myself, ate properly to have the
energy needed, worked out regularly and took yoga to improve
concentration and stamina and hired a personal assistant so I can
focus more intently on work. I took things even further. While playing
at the casino, I listened to music to improve concentration and not be
affected by those around me. I didn't involve myself in
conversation, drinking or anything that would take my attention away
from the game. While playing online, I got rid of "avatars on Full
Tilt, used stats to improve my reads, made the backgrounds black to
not be distracted and closed all AIM, cell phone and other
conversations while playing. Essentially, I was a human computer -
processing the necessary information and using it to maxamize profit. I plugged
every leak possible and never settled for anything less than perfect.
I saw an increase in results. I won several tournaments, was killing
the cash games and making a name for myself in the poker world. I was
beginning to get my first taste of success. Of course, there's
nothing wrong with that. I worked hard and one can even say it's admirable.
I'm not disagreeing. Unfortunately, it all
comes at a cost.
It became increasingly difficult to hold a conversation with my peers.
Important things to them seemed so trivial to me. It was hard to
empathize with the typical "I got a $2 raise today at work" or "I
can't believe I got a $18 parking ticket" or "I don't want to eat
there, we just missed happy hour." These things seem inconsequential
when you have 6 figure swings. I was losing my grasp of reality and
most importantly, I lost touch with people. It was becoming harder to
share my feelings with others since I was trained to be an emotionless machine while playing poker.
I was always in a hurry and extremely impatient. I
didn't wait for change when I went out to eat and was often short with
sales people. I would constantly think about my latest downswing and
my primary concern was always recovering monetarily. I didn't pursue
any hobbies (except my triathlon which was during a time I was playing
poker less frequently) and moreover I gave up some that I thoroughly
enjoyed. I stopped singing after four years, stopped snowboarding
after six years and didn't pursue piano which I entirely regret. "But
what about the freedom that poker brings?" Ahhhh - the freedom. It's
ironic actually, for its the freedom that binds us. We are in constant
need of new peaks (which are emotional highs - both monetarily and emotionally)
so much so that it occupies our every thought.
We end up spending all our free time
playing poker so the freedom that we thought we had really limits us.
And I like to think of myself as one of the more "balanced" poker
players who always advocates doing other things besides playing poker.
I like to think that pursuing other activities is one of my biggest
strengths, and I feel like if Andrew and myself are struggling in this
arena, then others must be facing similar problems.
Perhaps the most important concept of all that I've yet to cover is my
overall happiness and how it's affected throughout this process. I
remember reading an excerpt from "Fooled by Randomness" where he
described the effects that winning and losing have on your mentality.
The consensus (and I whole heartedly agree) is that the negative
effects that losing have on your mentality is worse than the positive
affects that winning have. More plainly, you're more unhappy when you lose
than you are happy when you win. He (Nassim Taleb, the author) actually equated a mathematical
formula to this "problem" in which he equated a losing experience to
be 2.5 times as bad as a winning experience is good. Since most
winning poker players only win about 60% of the time, this can be
extremely detrimental to our overall happiness. And isn't that the
most important thing?
Lastly, one of the biggest influences of my life comes is a man by the name of Dennis
Prager (a nationally syndicated radio talk show host) who frequently visits the subject of
happiness in the work arena. He once said, "if you want to see if you'll be happy in 15 years
at your current job, look at those 15 years older than you in your current field." While this seems
so trivial, I rarely take the time to do it. No offense to those still in the industry, but I don't want to
be a middle aged man playing poker while trying to raise a family. The idea doesn't appeal to me in the
slightest. This is another huge reason while I am trying to make the switch and use what I learned in
poker to help me in my new endeavours. I will say that some things I learned are priceless, and I wouldn't
change anything I've done or do it any differently. I've had the most fun I feel any 22 year old can have and I
don't regret a thing.
Now I can see how one may think that this post is an attempt to gain
sympathy for the struggles of a poker player. Please. I have it great.
I am thankful everyday for the luxuries that I have and never try and
(seriously) complain about trivial matters. It's very easy to see the
benefits of playing poker for a living. I am merely trying to touch on
some aspects that are extremely important, yet rarely addressed. Many
of us (especially aspiring poker players) overlook some of the nuances of the game that
cannot be known unless one has a large amount of experience in the
field. I would also say that playing high stakes is somewhat of a
"drug" in that it becomes increasingly harder to play smaller stakes.
This becomes a huge problem since losing is inevitable and moving down
has to happen at some point. I have found this problem to be one of
the biggest throughout my poker career. Also, since I've stopped
playing, I'm at literally 0 risk of going broke (although my spending habits would say otherwise)
but at least it's not from volatility. And for me, that's a good feeling.
So what next? Of course, I can't live forever on doing nothing! I'm not sure. And I'm not saying that I'm quitting
entirely. I'm just going to take a LOT of time off in the future. I'll
still play some events in the WSOP as well as big tournaments in LA
and Vegas. I'll also play the occasional cash games to support my
lifestyle. But I've decided that to be fulfilled I need to do
something more challenging and experience new things. I've come to
understand that in any given field, when learning stops, we become
bored. That's huge and I feel like I've gotten to that point in poker.
Not to say I know everything, but it just doesn't intrigue me like it
used to. I'm not trying to advocate that one cannot be happy and successful while pursuing poker.
I will say though, that it is imperative that we understand and can be comftorable with
the bad as well as the good in order to maintain our sanity. For me, it's becoming increasingly difficult.
I have also come to learn that I cannot be creative and
conjure up new ideas while playing poker. Although this is somewhat of
a nuance, I have to take some time off to let my mind rest and think
of something to do in the future. Until then, I'll keep blogging,
expressing and most importantly - learning.
If anyone has any ideas as to potential hobbies, business ventures or
things they do for fun that I would enjoy please don't hesitate to
email me. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this subject and I'm sure
I'll get a lot regarding this topic due to it's nature. Furthermore, I have a
bet with Ben Sulsky as to who will receive more emails about their blogs - so I'll be
sure to reply and check email regularly. Please send
emails to alectorelli@gmail.com Also check out Andrew Robl's blog
(www.andrewrobl.com) because he posted a similar post regarding this
subject as well. I hope that between the two of us we provide an new
insight to an often repressed subject.
"Love what you do, and you'll never work a day in your life."
Cheers
~ Trah ~
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